I recently lost my father in this COVID crisis, so I have recently the grief from a major loss. I can feel the pain of someone who has been through the same. I have recently seen my loved ones, my mother, my siblings coping through this pain in their own way. The emotion that we feel in this grief is multidimensional. It has been only a few months for us, I know inside themselves they must still be coping with this pain of losing an important part of our family. That is the reason why this post and is so close to my heart. This is my way to help all those who is going through the same pain
When we lose a loved one or go through a bad break up or even a separation grief is natural. We all react differently to grief. Some go through huge sadness, regret, guilt, suffocation, or anger.
According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross there are 5 stages of grief and I could totally relate to these
Let us understand and help each other to cope up.
- Denial: The is due to the sudden shock we get when some thing so painful happen. It is a kind of defence mechanism of our mind. Such trauma can make people go numb. In denial people either do not accept the loss or they deny of feeling the pain. We need to make sure we accept the loss and accept the fact that it does affect us deeply.
- Anger: Denial is followed by the act of anger. Majority of us think of anger as a negative emotion but that is not true. To come out of grief anger serves a useful purpose. One can angry towards anyone who might share the responsibility of the loss, it could be the doctor, the hospital or the person who was taking care of the one we lost. After losing someone we always go through a series of questions in our head. Why did this happen to me/us? Why all the bad things only happen to me? Did I deserve this pain? We resent the timing. However, the important thing is to know we will not feel like this forever. This questioning or anger only signifies how much we loved the person or how important they were to us.
- Bargain: In this we try and reason all the factors that we could have done differently to prevent this loss from happening. We always try and find the factors that may have prevented this from happening. Some people bargain we God as well to save the person they love and in return they will never do anything wrong. We need to understand and accept the loss has already happened; nothing can change this fact. So, let us not bargain the happening of past. The sooner you accept this the better it is for you.
- Depression: When we feel that they have tried bargaining and that did not help we start resenting our present. The loss and sadness reach deep inside us. We feel hopeless, cannot imagine future, feeling lost, lose focus, lose our appetite or sleep. This phase is of depression. We avoid meeting people, going out or get insomniac. If you see people around you in a similar state, they need you more than ever. If you are going through this please talk to a friend or family, try picking up an old hobby, try new things, go to a new place for some time. I have been through a similar stage in my past (about a decade back), so I know how you feel. If nothing helps seek a therapy.
- Acceptance: This is the final stage when we make peace with what has happened. One can never be okay with the loss, but we must accept the present and the fact that it cannot be undone. This is the time to make some new memories, new adjustments and look forward for new experiences.
There is one harsh reality of life “no amount of suffering can change the past”. We need to accept it. When you are going through pain, your loved one who observe you going though this is also in bigger pain. I have experienced this, so I know exactly how you feel. When these stages of grief are not passed by a person successfully, they may get stuck in complicated grief. This is the time they need help of a professional.
Complicated grief may interfere with a person’s life, their daily functioning, social relationship as well as physical health. Therapy is extremely useful in overcoming complicated grief.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”– Steve Maraboli